The Circle of Life

When my grandpa passed away I started thinking of how generations are passing on while new ones are forming. And maybe it was in response to my mourning and in a way coping with his passing that I started thinking of my future children and that our family will carry on.

Well, I am happy to report that a new little person will be joining our family, prospectively on May 14^th of 2014.

So I knew that parenthood is synonym to sacrifice, but I had no idea how early on that can start. Also, I’m not sure if I live in a land of brave women who never complain about their physical difficulties even when facing great challenges, or normal women don’t get to go through this much, but so far this BABY has been kicking my trash.

Starting with week 6 (I am a little over 13 weeks right now), I started feeling the nausea, it was bad, smells any smells felt strong and I felt like I was gonna throw up every step I took. Starting with week…9 or 10 I did start throwing up, sometimes more than once a day.

At first I was really worried about gaining too much weight, as I know it has been done before in my family. But judging on my food aversions, and the fact that even water sets me off, now I’m worried I won’t put on enough weight. And this is another thing, I’ve already started with the worrying, even if I promised myself I won’t be one of those overprotective freako moms…

So yeah, I’ll admit it, it’s been tough feeling really excited when my whole life and personality have changed. I haven't felt like doing much besides sleeping and resting, even talking tires me off. 

But that all changed yesterday, when we got our first ultrasound. The baby was at first in a sitting position and it was tough to get the needed measurements, but shortly after it started twisting and turning and doing all these movements, as if trying to impress us or something. We don’t know what it is yet, but I think it looked like a boy. We wanted a girl to begin with but it got us really excited for either or.

Our first Sonogram at 13 weeks
They never meant much before, until it was Ours. 

A few weeks ago I had to pack up all the clothes I won’t be able to wear for a while. That means I am left with maybe 30% of my wardrobe.  It’s terrible; I’ve never had such limited outfit selection. And I’m not even up to part to going shopping for more maternity clothes.

There are some good parts about pregnancy, when I can tolerate food I get to eat and enjoy it freely, with no guilt. The husband is super understanding and does most of the housework now days. Family from far away is checking in and is super excited for us. I can skip (and I do it a lot) putting on makeup and taking care of myself (especially when feeling so crappy).  Sitting down in the front seats on the metro reserved for old or needy persons, even though it’s still hard to see I’m prego, but I’m having a clear conscience knowing I don’t have to yield the seat.  

In one word, this is a whole NEW experience. I was ready for it, I had no idea it would be this hard, but it had to be done and I feel blessed to be entrusted with a special spirit to bring on this earth and to care for. Also, if my husband is still in love with me after all the puking and being so run-down, now that’s the true love I was banking on. 

If There Were no Life After Death, Then Life Would Be the Biggest Joke in Universe

Monday afternoon I got the news that my grandpa on my dad's side passed away Monday at 4 am, Romania time.

He is the first blood-related person to pass away in our family.

Vasile Alecu was born on June 27, 1939. He is the oldest son of four, and has raised 4 kids, and a few grand-kids including me. By the world's standards he didn't have much; he never went on a vacation and for most of his life lived without running water in a house of humble means.

But see, when it comes to life essentials, my grandpa should be considered as one of the richest people I know.

He had a strong work ethic, not always the smartest, but he always worked really hard. He worked for over 30 years in a tire-making factory, which gradually gave him the lung disease which caused his heart to eventually collapse. When asked by dad after he retired, how come he never looked for work elsewhere, his response was that he could never afford to take a break to look elsewhere because he needed to feed the rest of us.

He was a faithful and loyal man, was married to my grandma for 52 years.
He can be considered rich with all four of his children being married with kids of their own, healthy and settled down. He is rich because he was loved and respected by all of his children and grandchildren.

He may be a person who had the least, yet enjoyed it all the most. He was always satisfied with what was given to him. And because of this attitude he was at peace with himself and with the world, and that was apparent to the rest of us. He was also funny, without even trying it. Sometimes he would draw straight conclusions, without much investigation. This one time he first punished one of his boys, and then asked if he did indeed do what he was incriminated with. He branded numerous expressions in various situations, and he's quoted by all of us. His memory will be one of someone pleasant and desirable to have around.

Tomorrow he will be buried, and with him a small piece of each one of us.

If there were no life after death, then life would be the biggest joke in universe. If there would be no life after death, none of it makes sense. But there has to be something beyond the tangible, besides the here and now. It would make no sense being put here on earth in families, working at these relationships and growing close to each other, only to be left with a void when they're gone, and having it all be lost forever. And thanks to Christ we can all be raised again and meet our loved ones.

I have to admit it, my knowledge and understanding of it is more conceptually than experimentally. As with many other philosophical concepts, they tend to be much easier to believe and even preach when in theory. It’s in times like these that I am forced to put it to the test…and it’s hard to have that perfect brightness of hope. I hope that it will become more than just a hope, that it will become complete confidence and a deep grasping by the end of my life.

It's Never About Us

I’ve just watched on Facebook one of those videos where one person does something nice and not expected for another one, and a third one sees it and being inspired they also help someone else— and it brought me to tears (see, there are some good things on FB after all)

So I thought of why it made me feel so much emotion, and I think the answer was that at the core of each one of us it’s simply Love. That it is out nature to give and to receive that pure love. I think it touched me because something within me acknowledged that this is what truly makes us whole in life.

Ironically, we are looking so far outside of ourselves in search of that fulfillment.

This short video made me think of another FB posting the other day, a picture, which said The real question is, what have you done for those around you today? (or smtg like that).

Being moved to a new area, still searching for jobs and trying to get settled in, I almost felt justified in being self-absorbed and focused on our own things. After all, not knowing people can make it tough to do nice things for them.

But after a quick pondering on these things I realized things would be so much better if I became more aware of others and if I focused on someone else rather than being absorbed by my own challenges.

Last year I heard a story, which depicts this concept quite well.

A mother threw a birthday party for her four-year-old son. About 12 kids were gathered around the table, chatting and having fun. Then it was time to hand out to the birthday boy his presents. This other kid, Johnny, started throwing a fit, he wanted the gifts for himself, and was bothered that someone else was the center of attention. Then the mom turned to Johnny, and in a whispering, yet firm voice said: Johnny, today it’s not about you!

The moral of the story is that this applies to each one of us, for every day of our lives – it’s never about us.

Sometimes the only action needed is to BELIEVE

When you move to a new city you’ve never even visited before, two weeks after you got married, it can be a little bit intimidating and even discouraging.  Luckily I did have this really good friend who took us in for the first week.

So I have this illusion that there is one best way to do everything, that there is one best apartment we should live in, and that there is one best job I should be having, and so on … you get the picture. And because I’m wired to think that there is one optimum way or thing in everything, once I come across that one thing, I tend to get all worked up and to focus all my mental capacity and efforts towards that one thing.

Most recent such happening is with a perfect apartment we found here in our new city of residence, Arlington VA. Not only is it close to the Metro station and all the major stores one would ever need (i.e. Nordstrom, Nordstrom Rack, Bed Bath and Beyond, Costco, Marshalls, Macys and even more), but it is also so cute: hardwood floors, freshly painted walls, pretty spacious and just homey and perfect. Well since this is not good ol’ Sac town, where I never needed to apply to get a place, but went through family connections, we had to undergo this slightly stressful application process. It’s been a bit humbling and we still haven’t heard back whether is yey or nay.

As I was all worked up and a bit discouraged on Sat. I saw this quote, out of all places at the World Market. 

And I realized that sometimes all it’s required of us to get to where we wanna get, is to BELIEVE. I realized that my problem is not a lack of taking action or responsibility, but maybe having this notion that I may, somehow, have more power and can influence my environment more than I really can.

At first, it may seem almost easier to be believing rather than to take action, but I think it’s actually tougher. It’s always easier for me to make a mental or even physical list of the logical elements necessary for me to tackle and accomplish whatever it is that I want to accomplish; by contrast, having that faith which makes things happen, is to have a belief in something which by all standards you shouldn’t. And isn’t that the definition of miracles? Maybe the most impressive miracle of humanity is the potential we have to believe things out of this world.

And that’s how I backed off, relaxed some and acknowledged that I have already covered all that I could influence on my own and that the rest is up to the Universe…