Why Motherhood is Hard for Me

I detected why motherhood feels hard for me, and more specifically why it’s felt hard up until recently. While listening to my favorite podcast (Solved) on values, a thought came to my mind, that perhaps my highest value in life is growth - in all aspects of life; spiritually, physically, socially and emotionally. And guess what having five kids in eight and a half years feels like - not a whole lot of growth. I was growing my family, which was what we wanted and knowing there was a window for that to happen, I was willing to foresee growth in most other areas of my life for a while.

At first my body felt like the opposite of growth (although it was growing in weight), but I started feeling limited physically almost as soon as I became pregnant with my first. It hit me out of nowhere, the nausea, the throwing up, which made me not want to be social. I remember even answering the phone at work felt like too much work for me. And whoever knows me would tell you that talking is what I'm made for. But not during that phase of each pregnancy. Each pregnancy I'd gain 40-60 lbs, which for my height feels like double. I’d lose almost all after each pregnancy, only to be gaining it back with the next one. 

My professional life was the next to follow, I quit full-time work two weeks before having my first baby while living in Washington DC. We knew we wanted more kids than two, at which point it didn’t make sense to pay for a nanny, and I wanted to be the main care-taker of my kids. But it came with struggles, and I’m not even referring to the limitations of living off of one income only. But not experiencing growth in this area of my life made me feel like I wasn’t progressing. I started taking Romanian-English interpreting assignments, but it was sparing opportunities. And I worked part-time when pregnant with my second child in political consulting. With a three-year-old at home at the moment, I am still limited in how much I can take on professionally, but I am able to do a lot more than before. And have found ways to not only grow
but also have a revenue.

Quitting work created a lack of social interactions. Most mothers will tell you that being home with a baby especially, when they still don’t do much but need you almost non-stop, can feel the most lonely. It was hard as an extroverted, socially active person to turn into a secluded, almost a homebody, overnight too. In time I’ve been able to become a part of different groups that filled that need for expression and connection for me. Back in CA I was part of a workout mom group who gets together to exercise at the park while the kids play. Today, I attend a book club and my Romanian monthly group, and I meet new people at the gym often.  

For a long time even my relationship with my partner didn’t feel like it could grow while tending to our kids. Until a few years ago when we decided in a more conscious manner to prioritize our relationship more. We now are more intentional about going out on dates a couple of times a month, and to take a couples-only trip each year. And even a daily check in. We want our kids to know our relationship is the foundation for our family. Which they don’t always like, I feel like kids are built to be takers for a very long time (or forever, I still am that way with my parents), and they’d always push for more, and you can always feel like you don’t give them enough. For us, it was helpful to decide that our relationship was just as important and slightly more. Because they benefit from us still growing together while raising them. 

Growth is important to me because I feel like I am not bearing my talent, but I am multiplying it. And it manifested in my life from learning to bake European-style cakes, to launching my business in 2018, to more recently learning how to make sourdough bread. 

When people comment that it will get easier as the kids get older, not sure if they mean I'll start watching more shows on Netflix or have more time to myself. But my plans include learning how to jump-rope better. I want to become a seminary/institute instructor for my church, I want at some point to learn how to play the guitar, and to take dance lessons. 

Everyone says motherhood is hard, but it was a helpful exercise to identify what about it was/is hard for me, by realizing the value of growth in my life.  

You Want to Feel more Confident, Fail More!

For a five-foot-tall woman I am probably confident enough at a first glance. However, I wouldn't necesarly describe myself as confident by the standard definition. I know what I'm good at and my strengths well but I am even more aware of my lacking. However, I recently heard a new definition for CONFIDENCE, which is how comfortable one is with failing. Now, by this new definition I am very confident. My father raised me that it's better to take the risk and fail, rather than never try it all together. 

With this principle in mind I am also trying to teach my kids the importance of being comfortable with failing. I do this by encouraging them to enter random writing and contest competitions, by trying new sports and competing in it, and even by selling homemade goods. This week my oldest two went door to door to finish selling homemade horchata and rice pudding cups their siblings and I sold at a stand in the neighborhood. Emilia was resistant to it, and said it was embarrassing, but Addie was on board and even enjoyed it. 

Looking back over my life I do regret not trying more things and having more failures. I can make a list of all my failures:

- in 4th grade I qualified for a regional math olympics competition only to botch it big time; 

- I bombed the L-SAT my senior year, I still applied to three law schools, only to be rejected; 

- I applied for Teach for America, made it the first round but after showing up in person for a lesson demonstration, I was dropped out; 

- I was rejected for numerous job applications before landing my first full-time job at the height of 2009 Recession;

- I got my heart broken up a few times during the 12 years I dated before getting married; 

- I was rejected by thousands when trying to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ while serving my mission in VA. 

But I could make another list at least this long, if not even longer with successes I got to experience. And I am convinced that knowing that failures won't be the end of it all, that I can recover and move past failings that I was able to go for new goals.

My next potential failure/success is to become a Seminary/Institute instructor, which I'm hearing is pretty hard to do, as they grill you and want to make sure you can teach well and effectively. Sometimes is easier to think we're smart or capable, without having to put it to the test. But the more we try the more we'll succeed, so maybe it really is a numbers game more than anything else. 

So, if you want to feel more confident, fail more. 

Are We Good, or Are We Bad?

I had an interesting experience last Sunday at church. My kids were extra hard, nothing out of ordinary with that, but I got all worked up when trying to discipline them, as I often do. And I was not soft or kind enough in trying to shut them up during sacrament meeting. My body was literally in FIGHT mode and it felt like I was in a battlefield. All that would have been fine, but I was asked to offer the closing prayer. I kept hoping I'd be able to feel something and transpose my state towards something better and higher. Luckily, our closing hymn did help me feel the spirit more, so when I approached the pew for the closing prayer I felt more like myself and closer to God. 

Afterwards I had a few people thanking me and commenting on how great my prayer was. Which got me thinking, was I a hypocrite because moments before that nice prayer I was fighting my kids and I was in a totally different state? For a moment I question whether I was being a fraud, and that I didn't want people to think higher of me than what I am. But then I kept going deeper and felt that no, I wasn't any of those things, that my true and higher self is the Alise who offered the prayer, but that I am also a flawed person with shortcomings.

I think so often we think of life and people in terms of either this, or that. We think in terms of black vs. white, good vs. bad; when in reality things and people are a lot more nuanced, and that most of us are good people with flaws that we need to keep working and overcoming. As soon as I adopted that belief and explanation of how I can be both good and bad I felt lighter and less burdened. I felt like a work in progress, that I am not deceiving others by being good and bad in the same day, sometimes even hour, but that I'm really trying here and many times I still fail. 

 

TRUE LOVE

I'm sure we’ve all known people who seemed so much in love with each other only to end it at some point. So, was it love or not?

In my book, true love is the one that LASTS. I think the defining factor should be whether it sustained the test of time. Of course, you shouldn’t suffer through it all just to make it to the finish line. But if you’re committed to each other and don’t give yourself a way out, with the right type of work it will be a good relationship.

Some may swear they love their significant other and that it’s the truest of love, but then they still split up. Maybe even more important than having True Love is having a Strong Commitment. Maybe the strong feelings, attraction, connection, all of the good stuff isn’t enough to sustain a lasting relationship.

Commitment in general is underrated for my generation. People say a whole bunch and deliver much too little. When things get rough they tend to escape, it happens with friendships, with family relationships and they do so in marriage. There’s almost a sense of self righteousness and people brag about cutting off those they don’t agree with and are struggling to maintain a relationship.

To me my commitments mean more than what I want in the present. And following through is a must, not because others expect it, because I feel like no one even cares much anymore as they almost expect you to flake out. But I keep my commitments because that’s my own standard, and I like to feel good about myself. That goes for any minor or major commitments.

Perhaps instead of searching for true love when marrying someone, you should ensure they are a person of Strong Commitments. That will pay off more throughout your marriage and life than true love alone will.

To Botox or Not to Botox?

When I was 16 yrs old I was asked by a cute guy, older than me, if I could adjust my body in anyway, what would I choose? I quickly answered that I would make my lips puffier. He then said that there are ways I could actually do that (not sure why he’d ever encourage a young girl to do that).

Yesterday I got to visit with an old friend of mine, and when saying our good-byes she told me, out of nowhere, “And please don’t do any Botox…” and that surprised me because we hadn’t discussed anything about any procedures yesterday. Her and I have had previous many discussions on the topic, but yesterday it felt like it came out of nowhere.

Generally speaking I’m pleased with my aging process and I don’t feel a need to inject anything into my face. But, there is a few times a month maybe that I just wonder if maybe it would be worth it. Having people like my friend who encourage and remind me that we are supposed to age and that embracing that is more like me than not, it’s so helpful.

As a life principle I don’t believe in getting something for nothing in life (I know you pay for the procedures, but you know what I mean). I always felt that even if something seems like it is a magic formula and it is working, that long term there has to be a repercussion to it because nothing is free in life. And who knows what the real price for Botox is?

Part of me wonders though if Botox has become the new taking care of oneself. I’ve always wanted to be well-put together, that’s why I’m into make up and nice clothes, and believe that one should look as good as they can. So, with so many of my peers doing Botox and other fillers, is that the new norm nowadays?

A second principle of life I hold is that our bodies are a Temple and we should nourish and help them thrive. Again, is Botox conducive to maintaining our bodies as a temple of God? I’ve gotten waxed before, and that was painful, so are these procedures similar?

I can’t commit that I’ll never do anything with fillers and Botox, but what I can commit is that it won’t happen before I’m 60. Because I don't really need it before then, and it’ll be on my own terms and not due to giving into some kind of a
peer pressure. 

So if you’re in the club of no Botox and Fillers, holler at me, cause Lord knows I can use the validation and reminders. And perhaps so would you.

Why Religion?

I can see why the concept of religion has a bad rep. We’ve been told for many, many years that if we don’t worship and believe a certain way, we shall be doomed after this life. Especially in the Christian world people were taught to suffer and sacrifice in this life so that they will be saved and redeemed in the afterlife. 

But my take on religion is different. I actually believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ is meant to aide us while on the earth. When lived right, our religion is meant to make life easier and richer, not make us more miserable. 

So, what if there is no eternal punishment or suffering after this life? Would that mean that I should stop living God’s law on earth? Are we to obey and adopt His gospel only if we’ll be punished if we don’t? 

I recently identified another reason for me why following a path is needed. For a very long time I’ve been feeling that being happy is the equivalent of having Peace. However, I realized that it’s impossible to feel at peace if you’re not on a path. It almost doesn’t even matter what is that path (as long as it’s not self-destructive, or harmful to others), because if you feel like that’s the path you should be on chances are you’ll feel at peace. On the other hand, if you never adopt any path either out of fear of error or you don’t care enough to be on a spiritual journey, that will most likely not afford you the peace we all yearn for. 

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we don’t even believe in a traditional hell and heaven. Out doctrine teaches that after this life every person that lived on the earth will go to a kingdom, which differs in brightness and glory according to their actions and choices, but even the lowest one is so much better than we can imagine. Therefore, no one will be suffering in an eternal hell. And that should never be our motivation for following the Savior. 

Interestingly enough I have seen even in our church that the older generation rhetoric would lead one to believe that the gospel should be lived at all cost, that if you don’t there will be gloom and doom. I know people who were raised in such environments and many resent the church and their parents. Maybe it was due to the style of those times, but I know for sure that today we are to embrace truth out of desire and love for our Creator and not out of fear.

My Very Last Birth Story - James Jon Bradley

This pregnancy has been harder than the ones before for several reasons, but probably the main reason was because I always knew we wanted four kids, and so this fifth one I felt more compelled and that I would disobey rather than having a burning desire for one more child. 

Both the physical and the mental challenges have made me really wanna be done being pregnant, and judging by my past deliveries, they all came earlier than their due date by 5-9 days. So I felt confident that little James would be born before the end of the year. And unfortunately I made it public and everyone kept asking if I delivered. So that last week leading up to it felt like a waiting game, feeling disappointed and a little of a victimized mentality of wo me. 

So on Friday night the 6th, when talking with a friend and she pointed out that being full moon, it affects our emotions a bunch (and I had been a wreck that evening) by releasing them and it would also be a good time to birth him. You can imagine I was actually glad when that first contraction hit right after midnight on Saturday. By then I knew with each contraction and the harder and closer they got, the closer I'd get to delivering. 

Just like in the past, I tried to labor at home as long as possible, since being in my environment makes it easier to move around, get distracted and have better coping tools than in a hospital. However, my last delivery was only 40 minutes after getting to the hospital, so we didn't want to risk getting there too late either. 

So around 6 am, with stronger contractions around 5 min apart, Ethan insisted we went to the hospital which is 20 min away from us. 

We were assessed, and of course the contractions slowed down, but being 40 weeks already they said they could admit me. I then met the midwife on call, Becky, whom I've never met before (probably because I only went to a fraction of the doctor appointments this time around, and once they confirmed the pregnancy was healthy). We warned her that I deliver fast, and they got ready right away as I started shaking a little all in standing position at the head of the bed. I also told her that my second I delivered without the doctor there and I have some PTSD from that. She assured me they will be with me the whole time. 

But lo and behold, my contractions although they intensified by the hour, they also slowed down and never got close together enough to really get the baby out. Which was strange because it was so different from the ones before, and the intensity of the contractions was there, feeling like I was hit with a lighting in the middle of my back. 

Becky was amazing at suggesting different positions, and I kept moving the whole time. I even got in the bathtub and that helped with handling the contractions, but didn't lead to more than that. I used all my tools and more than ever before: meditation music, birthing videos, favorite songs playlists, essential oils and olfactory distractions, as well as the most important one: the Lamaze breathing techniques. It also didn't help I had been awake since the morning before. So my body was exhausted and would crisp up instead of trying to relax when the contractions hit. 

In efforts to make progress they broke my waters, then started talking Pitocin. Which I had never taken and was worried even if it worked and the contractions came stronger and closer together, that I wouldn't physically be able to handle it, tired and having labored so long already. That's when I thought the epidural might be a better choice, if they're abt to do Pitocin anyway. 

After being dilated at a 7 cm for a while, I asked for the epidural. When the anesthesiologist came, because of the siting position they placed me in, the next contraction that came felt so strong and painful that something within me changed, and I told them that I thought the baby was coming. So we let the guy leave, not wanting the epidural anymore. I was now dilated at 9 cm. I tried for the next hour really hard, but again the contractions weren't close enough. Which was surprising to me, because they say (and that's how it was with all my other four) that once you feel like you cannot take it anymore due to the pain, that that's when it ends and the baby comes. Well, I had already felt like that for a little bit, with no baby to show for, so mentally and physically I was DONE. 

I asked once again for the epidural, and this time I knew it was gonna happen. Once I got the sting in my back, my legs started tingling and within 20-30 min I was numb from the waist down. But, I started shacking uncontrollably, I thought I was cold and asked for more layers, but they told me that's what happens when you get the epidural, and they said it would last past the delivery too (luckily it didn't for me). 

Another 30 min into the epidural, and when my midwife came to me to warn me that they wanted to do even more interventions (like placing a contraction tracker, which looked like a stick inside, to gauge how strong my contractions were before they'd administer the Pitocin). But, she then thought that I could actually try pushing, and when I did they say it worked even without a contraction. So they told me how to breathe and lower my chin, and then push with all my strength into my lower body. I did that twice and the baby was out. 

the relief you experience after delivery 

I was kind of amazed that actually worked, because I had no feeling of it. It was so easy once the pain was gone, and after 20 hours of being in labor. 

since this was my longest labor I got to know Becky the best 

It was a little bit more difficult trying to nurse him right away because my lower body was still so weak, but man, not feeling the placenta coming out and the after of the birth, was really nice.

Part of me had been curious what it was like with the epidural, and halfway through this labor I had the thought that this was going different than all my other ones. I really felt like I gave it my all and had no regrets once I made that decision. I also cannot complain as once I had the epidural it happened so fast and I never teared (which, if you experienced both, you know it makes all the difference in recovering).

I still prefer the mobility of an unmedicated birth. I like being in control of my body and even experiencing the pain. The epidural is another tool, and I'm glad I had access to it, but I would only use it if it's a must and if my body doesn't do what it's meant to do on its own. I was also bothered that they first mentioned breaking my waters, then administering just a little bit of Pitocin, and then once I got the epidural they even said smtg about a C-section, like in order to avoid it. I didn't like how quickly things can escalate and I can see how under so much stress and exhaustion many women might end up with not as ideal outcome because of the outside pressure. 

I feel so happy to have had another little boy, and to not be pregnant anymore (like ever again).