You Want to Feel more Confident, Fail More!

For a five-foot-tall woman I am probably confident enough at a first glance. However, I wouldn't necesarly describe myself as confident by the standard definition. I know what I'm good at and my strengths well but I am even more aware of my lacking. However, I recently heard a new definition for CONFIDENCE, which is how comfortable one is with failing. Now, by this new definition I am very confident. My father raised me that it's better to take the risk and fail, rather than never try it all together. 

With this principle in mind I am also trying to teach my kids the importance of being comfortable with failing. I do this by encouraging them to enter random writing and contest competitions, by trying new sports and competing in it, and even by selling homemade goods. This week my oldest two went door to door to finish selling homemade horchata and rice pudding cups their siblings and I sold at a stand in the neighborhood. Emilia was resistant to it, and said it was embarrassing, but Addie was on board and even enjoyed it. 

Looking back over my life I do regret not trying more things and having more failures. I can make a list of all my failures:

- in 4th grade I qualified for a regional math olympics competition only to botch it big time; 

- I bombed the L-SAT my senior year, I still applied to three law schools, only to be rejected; 

- I applied for Teach for America, made it the first round but after showing up in person for a lesson demonstration, I was dropped out; 

- I was rejected for numerous job applications before landing my first full-time job at the height of 2009 Recession;

- I got my heart broken up a few times during the 12 years I dated before getting married; 

- I was rejected by thousands when trying to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ while serving my mission in VA. 

But I could make another list at least this long, if not even longer with successes I got to experience. And I am convinced that knowing that failures won't be the end of it all, that I can recover and move past failings that I was able to go for new goals.

My next potential failure/success is to become a Seminary/Institute instructor, which I'm hearing is pretty hard to do, as they grill you and want to make sure you can teach well and effectively. Sometimes is easier to think we're smart or capable, without having to put it to the test. But the more we try the more we'll succeed, so maybe it really is a numbers game more than anything else. 

So, if you want to feel more confident, fail more. 

Books on Taking Care of Your Baby - My Collection

Recently I had a few different friends ask about some of the books I have briefly shared with them before. So I wrote this post for them and anyone else that may want to check out some baby books that I've found helpful and insightful.

The order I chose for the books has to do with the chronological order you'd probably implement them. I will give a short description and share some of the things I learned. Truth be told, I am still in the process of reading each one of them, but I feel like I have a good grasp on each one.

1. YOU ARE YOUR CHILD'S FIRST TEACHER by Rahima Baldwin Dancy

This book it's a good first read because it provides a great background on the relationship you and your child will develop. It describes each stage the child goes through and it's useful in giving you heads up on what to expect. This knowledge will hopefully help you avoid some frustrations or thinking that you're doing something wrong.

What I learned:
- All children develop more or less the same between birth and 8 months old; the greatest impact your influence will make on them is between 8 months to 3 years old, when they'll actually change the most they ever will.
- They love it most seeing and hearing their mother speak to them; this was really sweet to learn, as I had a feeling it's good that I am around Emilia so much, but having the confirmation, has made me want to talk to her and hold her even more.
- She says that the excessive baby gear prevents parents from bonding with their baby; she advocates against the use of car seats outside of what they are made for, when travelling in the car; also she doesn't encourage walkers and bouncers.
- An American mom will only touch her baby an average of twice an hour, while a Puerto Rican mother will touch her baby 180 times an hour. A French mom touches her child 3 times more than an American one.
- And my favorite one, she encourages mothers to dress their child warm for their first year of life. And this was a piece of information I was really happy to read about, because ever since I was in college and I was exposed to American parenting through the students that had kids already, I would get infuriated when seeing how lightly those babies were dressed. The parents were more bundled up than them.

Now you see why I like this book; she addresses things that I feel are important and which are not usually talked about much.

2. INFANT POTTY TRAINING (or a concise version, INFANT POTTY BASICS) by Laurie Boucke 
So before you're baffled and appalled about this topic you should really see what is about and the motivation behind it.
I was referred to this book by a friend who saw on FB that I was going to attempt potty training my daughter who was 5 months at a time.
This method refers to a type of potty training, ELIMINATION COMMUNICATION, based on being in tune with your baby and listening to her natural cycle of elimination and responding to it.

What I Learned:
- Most moms will identify early on after coming home from the hospital the time when their baby will go potty, based on timing alone and/or facial expressions.
- Through the standard procedure we train babies to go potty in their diapers, only to have to undo it later on.

- Through this method, each time you know the child will go peeing or pooping, you place a receptacle under them; I actually learned that I was a bit late starting with my daughter at 5 months, and that this should be done all the way up to 4-5 months, starting as early as 2 weeks.
- Whenever they go peeing you make a Ssssshhhhsss sound, and they'll soon start associating it with peeing; and when they go number 2, you make a grunting face and help them go.
- This is not a forceful method by any means, and for the contrary, it bonds the mother and baby in a very special way. The method is not for all moms, it takes a special type of commitment.
- The motivation should not be to outdo other moms or compete with them, it's about doing what is best for your child and help them function to their potential; when their signals are ignored, they'll stop sending them altogether.

My experience so far:
After I started putting Emilia on the potty at around 5 months and 2 weeks, it took her less than a week to associate peeing with being on the potty. She will try to play around and anything around us will get her distracted, so I try to hide it all. I make the Sshssshhh sound and she goes if it's her time to go. I put her on the potty in the morning when she wakes up and after a quick feeding, after each nap, and in between if we're at home and I sense it's about time. As for pooping, she's been going on demand since the first week. It may be because she's not going very often anyway and when she does she needs some encouragement and tummy massaging. If you're worried that your baby is too little to sit on a porter potty, I used some puppy training pads when she was 5 months old. They worked great because she started disassociating going potty in a diaper, and the air flow helped as well. We now use about 2-3 diapers a day, sometimes including her over night one.

Very important is to not push them if they are not cooperating anymore. If she gets bored and unsettled I take her off and will try again later. Even the book advises to not obsessed over having your baby trained early, and that the bond between you and your baby is more important than having them trained.

I would say that if you're open to it to give it a shot. Everyone seems to have an opinion on it even though they've never tried it, but unless you try it, you won't know what it's about. And I tell you what, there's not much more satisfaction in life than when you've been able to make your baby poop in the porter potty all before 6 months old.

3. SUPER BABY FOOD by Ruth Yaron
Like many first-time moms I felt unprepared when I started feeding my baby solids. For us that was at 5 months old. This book is a great resource to identify when it's a good time to start your baby on solids, and what to feed them and how.

What I Learned:
- Recommended to start them on solids between 4-6 months, before then not only their body and digestive system is immature, but they also cannot refuse food, not turning their head when they're full. You can easily overfeed them, which can lead to obesity and other serious problems later on as adults.
- Feeding them too early may also lead to developing certain allergies.
- You don't want to wait later than 8 months to start on solids; if later than that they may not like the textures and refuse it all together.
- It's based on making all food at home, not only it's healthiest for your baby but it ends up being cheaper too, even when using all organic foods (which it does encourage to do)
- Best method to cook the veggies is to steam them in a steamer and then blend it with some of the water that cooked it. You can make bigger quantities, then freeze it in an ice tray, then you take the cubes and place in a ziplock bag.
- Eating size per serving when you start them is about an ice cube worth of pureed food, which you can microwave.
- You first feed them some milk, so they're not starving, then give them the solid, then you give them some water (it will help with their liver processing the solids), and that's really one or two teaspoons, and then you finish with a milk feeding.
- It talks about child proofing your home and it even teaches how to make homemade and safe cleaning agents (I haven't gotten to that yet, but I'm thinking to try it)
- Do not keep trying to feed the baby if they don't like the food; you can try feed it again in a week or two. And do not insist with that last spoonful if they don't want it, better to toss it away than to overfeed your baby.
- Do not use the sippy cups for any types of foods, use it only for water and milk if bottle fed.
- If the baby touched the food in a container, do not save it for later, their saliva could produce bacteria and spoil it even when refrigerated.

4. HOLDING TIME by Martha G. Welch, MD
I was given this book by a friend who is a triplet and her mom had to really focus on holding each one of them and making sure they each received needed attention. This book is more applicable when they become toddlers and specially if you have another baby. It's meant to help prevent tantrums and sibling rivalry, and produce happy mothers and loving, self-confident children.

What I Learned: 
- You set aside an hour or close to an hour, in a quiet spot in your home, where you and your child will have alone time with each other.
- You hold them on your lap facing you, and you start talking and discussing any differences.
- Instead of time outs, you actually discipline them at first and talk to them about why they acted the way they did, and why they think that was wrong and hurtful.
- After you both share things which are difficult to discuss (it actually says that at first they may fight you, and yell at you, but to not give up)
- Following the more rambunctious interaction between the two of you, then comes a state of calmness and openness and love between the two of you. You make up and continue to be close to each other, often times they'll fall asleep in your arms.
- This creates a pattern for the child knowing they will have that alone time with their mother (father and other family members are encouraged to do it too, but it's most helpful when the mom does it) and it makes them feel safe emotionally.

Sneak Peek: Upcoming post with the baby products I'm using. 

Fathers Are Essential - And Especially Mine

It’s only fit I posted something about my father for Fathers’ Day as I’ve done so for my mother for Mothers’ Day this year.

First of all, men should be glad they live in a country which celebrates fathers, as in Romania and I’m guessing many other countries, we didn’t have a day set aside for Fathers (we do, however, have a Children’s Day –June 1st, probably Communism workings).

The main reason I don’t just love my father but I actually like him as well (i.e. who he is, how he thinks, how he sees the world etc.) and probably the most selfish one is that we are so much alike— not liking him would be not liking myself. And he does get the credit of me having emulated him and not the other way around, as he’s entered the world 17 years before I have.

It’s a bit difficult describing my relationship with my father, as so much of it goes deeper than words and even actions can describe. I would, however, say that seeing me happy has become his main purpose of existence ever since I’ve entered into his life; the way he reaches his happiness is through ensuring I am well taken care of and as happy as I can be.

I’m not sure that for the first years of my life I even understood completely that he was my father, or what that really meant, as I felt him more of a friend and as my equal than some sort of an authority figure. He would play with me constantly, and would integrate me into his life, so taking me training at his boxing gym, having me ride on his motorcycle as a toddler, and taking me jogging around the block and showing off to his friends when at 4 I could do 50 push-ups were common activities for us.

Probably the biggest gift Jean (I actually haven't called him dad since being a freshman in highschool) has offered me is that of being unreasonable. Yes, that of daring to dream and of aiming high when everyone around would shrink from it. Based on my life experience, he’s probably the person who believes the most in himself and who succeeds in spite of all odds. He has never waited around for opportunities to appear but has gone out and made it happen.

When all the other parents would demand their children to follow orders from their teachers (as ridiculous and as unfair as they might have been), my dad would let me know that he’d be on my side if I got in trouble at school as a result of expressing my opinions. And he’s always stuck by that promise he's made to me.

He’s taught me that when things are hard and I feel like giving up (whether when working out or looking for a dream job), to look around me and acknowledge that it feels just as hard for those around me, that they are struggling too but that the difference will be made by not giving up, especially when it gets hard.

He’s taught me that consistency is the key to success—that sooner or later if I keep at it I will achieve what I’m looking for, in just the way I’ve envisioned it.

My father would be the one who would fret when I got an A- and would ask why not a clean A. He’s also the first one to cheer me on and to brag about me to everyone who knows him.

What strikes me most about father-child relationships is that whether with a daughter or a son, the quality of this relationship determines so much in the kid’s life-Daughters end up expecting to be cherished and respected in future romantic relationships if they’ve experienced a healthy relationship and connection with their fathers. And sons become strong, responsible individuals who will provide and take care of their families.

Unfortunately, the opposite holds true too, whenever the child-father relationship is damaged it seems to linger with them for the rest of their lives, creating low self-esteem and unhealthy behavioral patterns. The unstable state of our world today, I believe it’s a direct result of weak and irresponsible fathers who have not cherished their children.

I feel so blessed and grateful to my father for whom he chose to be and for loving me in one of the purest and highest way I could be loved. His love for me has made it easy for me to understand and tap into the love that my Heavenly Father has for all of his children. Happy Fathers’ Day, Jeani.

my thoughts on Parenting (A religion paper i wrote)

    Although parenting is one of the most important things in the society, many parents are doing a poor job at raising their children. In talking about creating successful homes, Elder James E. Faust mentioned a few ways that parents may achieve this, parents must set the example, disciplining children, teaching children to work, helping children internalize values, and a most important one, a thousand threads of love.
Based on the mentioned ways to achieve a successful home, it is not difficult for one to see the lack of most these ways in today's society. I like the mentioning of work as a main way to create a successful home. I can personally attest to the importance of it. Growing up I didn't do a lot of work around the house, my mother would ask me help her cook sometimes, but that was usually only around the holydays. Also, in Romania teenagers don't have jobs, so I didn't start working until I moved to the U.S. when I was 18. I started to experience more independence as I had a job, but even more importantly it gave the confidence and trust that I could accomplish things on my own.
The parental example is the most important tool in teaching children. I doubt that most parents understand this great responsibility. In the reading, it was mentioned the importance of not being hypocritical when it comes to teaching children, because they can see through it and it would only turn them off towards applying the rule in their own life. Through obedience to the gospel of Jesus Christ we can easily avoid this. Just as Christ has never taught anything he hasn't lived, we can follow the example.
One of my personal theories that aids in creating a successful home is the attitude parents have toward their children. Many parents have their own set of baggage and agenda, and not being completely satisfied with themselves and who they've become, they take it upon their children. Too many parents are abusing their authority and even stewardship in demanding their children's obedience more for the sake of exercising poser over them, than out of true concern for their welfare. Many times adults underestimate the power and mental capacity children have, even in their early stages of life. Respecting them from early on would build their self-esteem and strengthen their desire to do what's right. Even in later stages of development parents may cross boundaries. I think in order to overcome this challenge parents must learn how to let their children be their own individuals, even if it means they will make mistakes along the way. I consider this capacity of allowing children be and develop as they need one of the greatest acts of love. It takes complete altruism as well as exercising faith in the Lord.
Applying the above-mentioned concept to our relationship with God, the way He expresses His love is by letting us become whom we choose to become. Ironically enough many today go as far as to stop believing in a higher power claiming that have we had a creator/father in heaven, none of the harmful things would happen to the good people in the world.
Just having a child does not qualify one as a good parent. Living the gospel fully will allow one to be a better parent.