I detected why motherhood feels hard for me, and more specifically why it’s felt hard up until recently. While listening to my favorite podcast (Solved) on values, a thought came to my mind, that perhaps my highest value in life is growth - in all aspects of life; spiritually, physically, socially and emotionally. And guess what having five kids in eight and a half years feels like - not a whole lot of growth. I was growing my family, which was what we wanted and knowing there was a window for that to happen, I was willing to foresee growth in most other areas of my life for a while.
At first my body felt like the opposite of growth (although it was growing in weight), but I started feeling limited physically almost as soon as I became pregnant with my first. It hit me out of nowhere, the nausea, the throwing up, which made me not want to be social. I remember even answering the phone at work felt like too much work for me. And whoever knows me would tell you that talking is what I'm made for. But not during that phase of each pregnancy. Each pregnancy I'd gain 40-60 lbs, which for my height feels like double. I’d lose almost all after each pregnancy, only to be gaining it back with the next one.
My professional life was the next to follow, I quit full-time work two weeks before having my first baby while living in Washington DC. We knew we wanted more kids than two, at which point it didn’t make sense to pay for a nanny, and I wanted to be the main care-taker of my kids. But it came with struggles, and I’m not even referring to the limitations of living off of one income only. But not experiencing growth in this area of my life made me feel like I wasn’t progressing. I started taking Romanian-English interpreting assignments, but it was sparing opportunities. And I worked part-time when pregnant with my second child in political consulting. With a three-year-old at home at the moment, I am still limited in how much I can take on professionally, but I am able to do a lot more than before. And have found ways to not only grow
but also have a revenue.
Quitting work created a lack of social interactions. Most mothers will tell you that being home with a baby especially, when they still don’t do much but need you almost non-stop, can feel the most lonely. It was hard as an extroverted, socially active person to turn into a secluded, almost a homebody, overnight too. In time I’ve been able to become a part of different groups that filled that need for expression and connection for me. Back in CA I was part of a workout mom group who gets together to exercise at the park while the kids play. Today, I attend a book club and my Romanian monthly group, and I meet new people at the gym often.
For a long time even my relationship with my partner didn’t feel like it could grow while tending to our kids. Until a few years ago when we decided in a more conscious manner to prioritize our relationship more. We now are more intentional about going out on dates a couple of times a month, and to take a couples-only trip each year. And even a daily check in. We want our kids to know our relationship is the foundation for our family. Which they don’t always like, I feel like kids are built to be takers for a very long time (or forever, I still am that way with my parents), and they’d always push for more, and you can always feel like you don’t give them enough. For us, it was helpful to decide that our relationship was just as important and slightly more. Because they benefit from us still growing together while raising them.
Growth is important to me because I feel like I am not bearing my talent, but I am multiplying it. And it manifested in my life from learning to bake European-style cakes, to launching my business in 2018, to more recently learning how to make sourdough bread.
When people comment that it will get easier as the kids get older, not sure if they mean I'll start watching more shows on Netflix or have more time to myself. But my plans include learning how to jump-rope better. I want to become a seminary/institute instructor for my church, I want at some point to learn how to play the guitar, and to take dance lessons.
Everyone says motherhood is hard, but it was a helpful exercise to identify what about it was/is hard for me, by realizing the value of growth in my life.
