I had an interesting experience last Sunday at church. My kids were extra hard, nothing out of ordinary with that, but I got all worked up when trying to discipline them, as I often do. And I was not soft or kind enough in trying to shut them up during sacrament meeting. My body was literally in FIGHT mode and it felt like I was in a battlefield. All that would have been fine, but I was asked to offer the closing prayer. I kept hoping I'd be able to feel something and transpose my state towards something better and higher. Luckily, our closing hymn did help me feel the spirit more, so when I approached the pew for the closing prayer I felt more like myself and closer to God.
Afterwards I had a few people thanking me and commenting on how great my prayer was. Which got me thinking, was I a hypocrite because moments before that nice prayer I was fighting my kids and I was in a totally different state? For a moment I question whether I was being a fraud, and that I didn't want people to think higher of me than what I am. But then I kept going deeper and felt that no, I wasn't any of those things, that my true and higher self is the Alise who offered the prayer, but that I am also a flawed person with shortcomings.
I think so often we think of life and people in terms of either this, or that. We think in terms of black vs. white, good vs. bad; when in reality things and people are a lot more nuanced, and that most of us are good people with flaws that we need to keep working and overcoming. As soon as I adopted that belief and explanation of how I can be both good and bad I felt lighter and less burdened. I felt like a work in progress, that I am not deceiving others by being good and bad in the same day, sometimes even hour, but that I'm really trying here and many times I still fail.
No comments:
Post a Comment