An Angel's Arrival - Eve's Birth Story

Usually speaking, by the fourth time you do something that you have successfully accomplished three times before, you feel confident or at the least not fearful about it. Not so with birthing a child. I’ve been concerned and fearful with each of my deliveries, and for good reasons as you never know how exactly it will pan out. 

A baby’s delivery is probably the humblest experience in my opinion. You have to accept that you are not completely in control and in my case, I always rely on my Heavenly Father. I try to be in a state of prayer and communion with Him. And I feel Him and his help all throughout the labor. I’ve been blessed to birth all of my children unmedicated, which has allowed me to feel more in control, yet what’s needed to have a better birthing experience if to be yielding, to accept that anything can happen, as we continue to hope for the best outcome.

Jul 15th - last picture of my belly 

I was especially worried about this baby because she seemed bigger than all my other ones to me, probably based on my belly being the biggest. That worried me; delivering her vaginally and without an epidural might be even harder than before. Luckily though, the week before she came and because last weeks of pregnancy can bring about insomnia and feeling uncomfortable for hours, I ended up watching many YouTube videos on the Lamaze method. These videos are informing and educating the public of why a natural birth as well as providing some suggestions for tools and things to do during the labor. I am so glad I took the time to brush up on these as they came in handy so much during my labor.

My first contraction hit exactly 24 hrs before she was born, on July 15^th at 4:00 am. I wasn’t sure what it was at first, I assumed it was the regular back pain I had been feeling for weeks by then. But when the second one hit, it became clear that it was the real thing. As soon as I became aware of it, my body started shaking and I recognize it to be out of fear. I believe it was going through some sorts of PTSD from my past labors, especially from the last one, which was most intense and only a year ago. Although the contractions kept coming, I was committed of not going to the hospital sooner than needed, and I prepared to be at home for most of my labor. Not knowing whether that would be a few hrs or another whole day, was another thing.

Our last photo as a family of five 

Throughout most of the day my contractions came and went, at times being more intense and often, only to slow down again. I went about my day cleaning up and getting ready, eating some good meals, and spending time with the family. My mom flew in that evening, which would bring a lot of relief, knowing that we could now leave for the hospital and the other kids would be well taken care of.

I tried sleeping some, from 11-12:30 am, as I felt exhausted. But I was woken up past midnight and I got up walking around the house in the dark, trying to keep quiet to not wake up the rest. When my contractions got too intense, I realized how silly it was trying to keep quiet when I needed all the tools I had prepared to better handle the pain. So, I turned on some lights, turned on my playlist on YouTube and I even pulled out a cute baby dress to serve me as a focus point. When I used the extra stimuli during the contractions, especially watching the YouTube clips of the songs I was listening to, it did indeed lessen the pain and the contractions felt shorter to me.

My mom would wake up from time to time to check on me, and I would report that nothing has happened yet (I was expecting my mucus plug to come out or my water to break). When I threw up twice in a row, the only reaction my body had to the increased pain I was experiencing, then my mom said we should head to the hospital. I thought I could wait it out longer, but I learned long ago to listen to my mom’s intuitions. So, I went to inform Ethan that we needed to go. 

Applying the Lamaze breathing during my contractions

We left around 2:40 am, got to the hospital around 3:00 am. I stayed in bed for aprox. 30 min to be checked both me and the baby, and then I got up to move around. Things started progressing very quickly, I threw up one more time, then my water broke all while standing at the head of the bed. When I felt the baby drop, I told them she is coming and that I wanted to have her while standing.

My midwife applying pressure when each contraction hit.
She was amazing, supportive and so capable. 

My amazing midwife got ready, and even though it did not feel like I was dilated enough yet, I started focusing all my pain when the contraction hit to push her out. It took three pushes and out she was. That was an hour later since when we were admitted, at 4:05 am. She was a little pale and it took a little while to cry, which it is always so nerve racking to me. They placed her under the lights and started patting her to make sure she got enough oxygen. I got back on the bed and was so relieved when I didn’t need any stiches (thanks to one of the Lamaze videos I learned that it’s best to deliver while standing up, since gravity will help and there will be less damage). Then I got little Eve on my chest and she breastfed for over 40 minutes.

Like I said, you never know what it’s going to happen during your delivery!

Eve Ryan Kirk - born on July 16th at 4:05 am
Weight of 7 lbs 4 oz and 19 in long 

My Thoughts on the Corona Virus

Year 2020 is nothing like what we have imagined!  No one could have predicted the world pandemic that has hit us. Like everyone else I am trying to make some sense of what we’re experiencing.

Does it surprise anyone else the fact that we are told to keep distance from everyone else except for our immediate family? Could it be that we have gotten away from focusing on what matters most, and instead we got busy with so many other things, maybe good things but with the price of neglecting our dear ones? What if this world pandemic has hit us in an effort from up above to nudge us into the right direction? Because I would hope that together with having no other choice but spend a lot more time around family, that we also get closer emotionally. I really think we can come out of it with a stronger family bond.

So, I know many people are freaking out and are taking the virus situation too far; I also know there are some who are dismissive of the virus and truly think we should go about life as usual. I just want to have an appropriate reaction giving what we’re dealing with, but that’s hard to know what it looks like.

Maybe it’s being prepared temporarily, within reason, which us, Latter-Day Saints have always been advised by our leaders to be. While at the same time recognize our Heavenly Father is in charge, and trust in Him all will be well.

When I read the scriptures that mention the last days prophecies it has a lot more meaning to me now. I get what they say more clearly. Even Isaiah makes sense and feels more personal to me than ever before.

I don’t think most things in life happen accidentally, and this pandemic is no exception. Maybe we needed an opportunity to learn and change both as an individual and collectively. As we are literally cutting off the outside world, we have a chance to look inward and to ponder more. When I do that, I feel peace and faith, I feel like everything is going to be alright. I hope you will feel the same too.

Power of Manifestation and Our Gender Reveal

Last month I attended a breakfast where a motivational speaker taught us about the Power of Manifestation. For anyone who may be wondering what in the world that is, here’s the Google Def. : is being able to harness your true destinies and desires in life-subconsciously put into vision, and then into reality. Everything you want of the universe is already yours-the clearer your thoughts and thinking on the matter, the more timely and precise the delivery will come.

My whole adult life, when I was asked by someone how many kids I wanted, the answer was always four kids - two girls and two boys. I’ve always said it confidently and believing it will happen. So when I was reminded about the power of manifestation concept last month, I realized I can put it to the test when I find out the gender of this fourth baby I’m carrying (already having two girls and one boy, I was still on track to be manifesting my desires).

Well, yesterday we found out the gender, and lo and behold, we’re having a GIRL. I was mostly surprised that the power of manifestation has failed me and I couldn’t understand how that was possible since I know I had done it how it’s described, by the book (without even realizing or being educated on the matter).

So I am open now to the belief that this power may either be garbage (what my dear husband has often times said to me), or that there are some things set in stone, maybe even before the world was made, that no matter how hard you try to manifest one way, it will still happen the way God has intended it.

I’ve also learned that there are some things in life, such as your kids gender, that is better left up to chance rather that become too committed to a certain outcome.

Either way, I’ve gotten more excited to having another little girl by the minute, and I am curious to see how different she will be from her sisters. (Adaline has wanted a girl from the get go, and Emilia is still in shock we’re having a girl and not a boy – this is due to me brainwashing her, we’d never discuss any girls names, but would quickly switch to boys only.) And Ellis is oblivious, probably glad he won’t be dethroned.

Gherghina Alecu - A Good Bye for Now!

There are some defining moments in life which allow you to feel the depth of the human experience and help you feel what you are made of. One such moment was when my grandpa passed away in 2013, and a second one is now, when his wife and my grandma left us on January 13^th, 2020.

I knew she was in critical condition for almost two weeks, and I even tried to prepare myself by feeling some of that sadness throughout that time. And as I felt sad for her poor condition and the amount of pain she was in, I couldn’t feel much passed that.

As soon as my father called me from Romania and told me she had passed away, a whole lot of feelings overcame me. I don’t think we can feel the true loss of someone until they’re actually gone. Until you know there is no coming back and no way to hear and hug them again. When still alive I could see some of her flaws easily, but after the news none of that mattered or defined her in anyway anymore. It’s incredible how our perspective changes so suddenly.

She was born on January 27^th 1942. She is the last of four daughters to pass away. She had four children – two living by her, the other two being abroad. She had eight grandchildren – two living by her, the others living in America, Germany and Austria. And 12 great-grandchildren – only one living in the same country with her.

My grandma offered me so much! First six years of my life we lived with my grandparents and being their first grandchild, she has embraced me and cared for me as of one of her own. I was more connected to her and bonded more with her than I did with my mom those first years of life. She had an inch and a half scar on her arm, and she used to tell me that I was her daughter and that I came out through that, and I had left that scar. I’m pretty sure I believed her many of the times she said that.

Looking back, I should have known she wasn’t my mom, because I couldn’t do anything wrong for her, like EVER. She never got me in trouble and she always encouraged all my desires. Not a mom behavior! That treatment continued for the rest of my life. I remember being annoyed at gaining weight as a teenager, and when she saw me first thing she’d say is that I was so beautiful, and if I said that I was bigger, she’d reply that it looked good on me.

I’m sad she’s gone, but I’m happy for her. For her to be released from all the physical pains and from a broken body, as well as her loneliness which she had suffered much from her last years of life. And I’m even more glad that by divine inspiration I got the itch back in Nov. to go see her, I felt that urge not having any reasons at the time. I’m glad I was able to act on it and be around for a week, and for her to meet my son. 

I remember when I said good-bye on the day of Nov. 19, 2019 that I tried to make it quick because I felt that I would never see her again. That was the first time I felt that towards someone so close, and it broke my heart. It broke my heart even more because I saw it in her eyes that she felt it too. And yes, I will never see her again in this life, but I hope and have faith to see her again AFTER this life.  

Gherghina Alecu - Un ramas bun pentru acum!

Există momente definitorii în viață care ne permit să simțim profunzimea experienței umane și ne ajută să simțim din ce suntem făcuti. Un astfel de moment a fost când bunicul meu a murit în 2013, iar un al doilea este acum, când soția sa și bunica noastră ne-a părăsit pe 13 ianuarie 2020.

Știam că era în stare critică aproape de două săptămâni și chiar am încercat să mă pregătesc simțind o parte din acea tristețe în tot acest timp. Și, desi m-am simțit tristă pentru starea ei de sanatate rea și pentru durerea în care era, nu am putut să simt prea mult.

Imediat ce tatăl meu m-a sunat din România și mi-a spus că a murit, o mulțime de sentimente m-au biruit. Nu cred că putem simți cu adevărat pierderea cuiva până când nu sunt plecati definitiv. Până când nu ști că nu există nici o revenire și nici o cale de a-i auzi și îmbrățișa din nou. Când încă era în viață, am putut vedea ușor unele dintre defectele ei, dar după aceasta veste, nu au mai contat, si nici nu au mai definit-o. Este incredibil cum ni se poate schima perspectiva noastră atât de brusc.

Bunica mea s-a născut pe 27 ianuarie 1942. Este ultima dintre patru fiice care a murit. Avea patru copii - doi locuiau lângă ea, ceilalți doi fiind plecați în străinătate. Avea opt nepoți - doi locuiau lângă ea, ceilalți locuind în America, Germania și Austria. Și 12 strănepoți - doar unul care locuia în aceeași țară cu ea.

Bunica mi-a oferit atât de mult! Primii șase ani din viață am trăit cu bunicii mei și fiind primul lor nepot, ea m-a îmbrățișat și m-a îngrijit ca pe unul dintre copiii ei. Am fost mai legata de ea și mai apropiata decât eram cu mama mea în acești primii ani de viață. Avea o cicatrice de doi centimetri pe braț și îmi spunea că eu sunt fata ei și că am ieșit prin gaura aia și am lăsat acea cicatrice. Sunt destul de sigura că am crezut-o de multe ori cand imi spunea asta.

Privind în urmă, ar fi trebuit să știu că nu era mama mea, pentru că nu puteam face nimic rău pentru ea, NICIODATĂ. Nu m-a disciplinat niciodata și mi-a încurajat mereu toate dorințele. Nefiind un comportament de mamă! Acest tratament a continuat tot restul vieții. Îmi amintesc că ma enervam cand luam in greutate ca adolescenta, iar când ma vedea primul lucru, imi spunea că sunt atât de frumoasă și, dacă ziceam că sunt mai grasa, imi răspundea că arăta bine pe mine.

Sunt trista că a plecat, dar sunt fericită pentru ea. Pentru ca ea să fie eliberată de toate durerile fizice și de un corp invalid, precum și de singurătatea ei, de care a suferit mult ultimii ani din viață. Și mă bucur și mai mult că, prin inspirație divină, am primit imboldul în noiembrie pentru a merge să o văd, am simțit acea dorință desi nu aveam motive la acea vreme. Mă bucur că am reușit să acționez și să fiu în prejma timp de o săptămână și ca ea sa-l cunoasca pe fiul meu.

Îmi amintesc când mi-am luat rămas bun în ziua de 19 noiembrie 2019, că am încercat să fac asta cat mai repede, deoarece am simțit că nu o voi mai vedea din nou. Aceasta a fost prima dată când am simțit asta față de cineva atât de aproape și mi-a rupt inima. Mi-a rupt inima și mai mult pentru că am văzut în ochii ei că și ea a simțit-o. Și da, nu o voi mai vedea niciodată în viața asta, dar sper și am credință să o văd din nou DUPĂ această viață.