This pregnancy has been harder than the ones before for several reasons, but probably the main reason was because I always knew we wanted four kids, and so this fifth one I felt more compelled and that I would disobey rather than having a burning desire for one more child.
Both the physical and the mental challenges have made me really wanna be done being pregnant, and judging by my past deliveries, they all came earlier than their due date by 5-9 days. So I felt confident that little James would be born before the end of the year. And unfortunately I made it public and everyone kept asking if I delivered. So that last week leading up to it felt like a waiting game, feeling disappointed and a little of a victimized mentality of wo me.
So on Friday night the 6th, when talking with a friend and she pointed out that being full moon, it affects our emotions a bunch (and I had been a wreck that evening) by releasing them and it would also be a good time to birth him. You can imagine I was actually glad when that first contraction hit right after midnight on Saturday. By then I knew with each contraction and the harder and closer they got, the closer I'd get to delivering.
Just like in the past, I tried to labor at home as long as possible, since being in my environment makes it easier to move around, get distracted and have better coping tools than in a hospital. However, my last delivery was only 40 minutes after getting to the hospital, so we didn't want to risk getting there too late either.
So around 6 am, with stronger contractions around 5 min apart, Ethan insisted we went to the hospital which is 20 min away from us.
We were assessed, and of course the contractions slowed down, but being 40 weeks already they said they could admit me. I then met the midwife on call, Becky, whom I've never met before (probably because I only went to a fraction of the doctor appointments this time around, and once they confirmed the pregnancy was healthy). We warned her that I deliver fast, and they got ready right away as I started shaking a little all in standing position at the head of the bed. I also told her that my second I delivered without the doctor there and I have some PTSD from that. She assured me they will be with me the whole time.
But lo and behold, my contractions although they intensified by the hour, they also slowed down and never got close together enough to really get the baby out. Which was strange because it was so different from the ones before, and the intensity of the contractions was there, feeling like I was hit with a lighting in the middle of my back.
Becky was amazing at suggesting different positions, and I kept moving the whole time. I even got in the bathtub and that helped with handling the contractions, but didn't lead to more than that. I used all my tools and more than ever before: meditation music, birthing videos, favorite songs playlists, essential oils and olfactory distractions, as well as the most important one: the Lamaze breathing techniques. It also didn't help I had been awake since the morning before. So my body was exhausted and would crisp up instead of trying to relax when the contractions hit.
In efforts to make progress they broke my waters, then started talking Pitocin. Which I had never taken and was worried even if it worked and the contractions came stronger and closer together, that I wouldn't physically be able to handle it, tired and having labored so long already. That's when I thought the epidural might be a better choice, if they're abt to do Pitocin anyway.
After being dilated at a 7 cm for a while, I asked for the epidural. When the anesthesiologist came, because of the siting position they placed me in, the next contraction that came felt so strong and painful that something within me changed, and I told them that I thought the baby was coming. So we let the guy leave, not wanting the epidural anymore. I was now dilated at 9 cm. I tried for the next hour really hard, but again the contractions weren't close enough. Which was surprising to me, because they say (and that's how it was with all my other four) that once you feel like you cannot take it anymore due to the pain, that that's when it ends and the baby comes. Well, I had already felt like that for a little bit, with no baby to show for, so mentally and physically I was DONE.
I asked once again for the epidural, and this time I knew it was gonna happen. Once I got the sting in my back, my legs started tingling and within 20-30 min I was numb from the waist down. But, I started shacking uncontrollably, I thought I was cold and asked for more layers, but they told me that's what happens when you get the epidural, and they said it would last past the delivery too (luckily it didn't for me).
Another 30 min into the epidural, and when my midwife came to me to warn me that they wanted to do even more interventions (like placing a contraction tracker, which looked like a stick inside, to gauge how strong my contractions were before they'd administer the Pitocin). But, she then thought that I could actually try pushing, and when I did they say it worked even without a contraction. So they told me how to breathe and lower my chin, and then push with all my strength into my lower body. I did that twice and the baby was out.
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| the relief you experience after delivery |
I was kind of amazed that actually worked, because I had no feeling of it. It was so easy once the pain was gone, and after 20 hours of being in labor.
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| since this was my longest labor I got to know Becky the best |
It was a little bit more difficult trying to nurse him right away because my lower body was still so weak, but man, not feeling the placenta coming out and the after of the birth, was really nice.
Part of me had been curious what it was like with the epidural, and halfway through this labor I had the thought that this was going different than all my other ones. I really felt like I gave it my all and had no regrets once I made that decision. I also cannot complain as once I had the epidural it happened so fast and I never teared (which, if you experienced both, you know it makes all the difference in recovering).
I still prefer the mobility of an unmedicated birth. I like being in control of my body and even experiencing the pain. The epidural is another tool, and I'm glad I had access to it, but I would only use it if it's a must and if my body doesn't do what it's meant to do on its own. I was also bothered that they first mentioned breaking my waters, then administering just a little bit of Pitocin, and then once I got the epidural they even said smtg about a C-section, like in order to avoid it. I didn't like how quickly things can escalate and I can see how under so much stress and exhaustion many women might end up with not as ideal outcome because of the outside pressure.
I feel so happy to have had another little boy, and to not be pregnant anymore (like ever again).
